I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
i black out too much to be "responsible"
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
