and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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