i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
