Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
