I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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