i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
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