yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
