i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Holy sore nipples Batman
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
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