you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
