I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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