I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
