why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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