I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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