So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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