I think scott just propositioned me for sex
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
