Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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