I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
you told grandpa to call you daddy
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize