got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
