You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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