I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
