I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
