Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
