She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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