I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
