I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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