her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
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