Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
We have started to decorate penises.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
