I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
