Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
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