I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
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