why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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