Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
