1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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