who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
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