Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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