Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize