Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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