Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
