I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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