Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
