people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
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