Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
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