She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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