I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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