I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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