I accidentally burped into my bong.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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