We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
