D3 body, D1 cock
You're completely useless in the revolution.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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