I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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