There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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