I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
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