did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
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