chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
