A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize