i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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