There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
