So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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