and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
