Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
